Gaara and Shika Adventures
by batman-20500
Summary: Kankuro employs a bodyguard for Gaara to take care of his fangirl problems. Will this lazy nin and him get along? And will they end up killing off all the girls in the village? read and find out.
1. the beginning

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto...or the paper I wrote this on...or my thoughts and actions (they belong to the voice in my head)

**Gaara and Shika Adventures**

_--The Beginning--_

By: Batman-20500

For: Lauren

"Crazy pink haired girl closing in fast," Shikamaru muttered into the mic that was sneakily hidden in his collar.

"I can see that." Gaara's bored expression never faltered. Ever.

Since Sakura developed an , lets call it "obsession", for the one and only Gaara of the desert, his brother sought out to find a body-guard for him. Now with the result of Kankuro's hard work and protectiveness over his little brother, Gaara could sleep peacefully. Well, not that he ever slept.

After Gaara's purple faced brother handed over this lazy ninja, his problem with these stalkers might become a little more tolerable.

Shikamaru was lazy, but he knew how to fit the roll. He was dressed out like he was in the matrix, complete with thin black shades. Nix the skirt. That was overdoing it.

"Gaara! Gaara! It's me Sakura! Remember?!?!?! Your WIFE!!!!" Shikamaru only had this job for about five minutes and they were just minding their own business in the park when this lunatic had to rear her ugly head. Ok, she's not ugly, but the sentence just flows better.

In the park in the 4.967 minutes they had to themselves, Gaara managed to kill at least five flowers, two ants, three gnats, and Shikamaru's wallet. I suspect he will want a raise, but he excepted the job, well aware of the sand nin's ways, and well aware of the danger that could emit after a run in with a crazed fangirl. Placing the now altered I.D. card into Shikamaru's dead wallet, Gaara stood ready for battle. I don't know why he has to have a body-guard, he is Subuku no Gaara, the most feared ninja from the entire sand village. Why did he have to have a Body-guard? The answer is simple, but we don't have time for that, she was circling them the whole time we were engaging in flashbacks.

"I love you! I love you, my little Gaara-kun!!!squeal ditch that weirdo and come with me!!!" Sakura chimed, jumping up and down with her hands twined together pushed up to her chest.

"No way in hell." Gaara said calmly giving Shikamaru a look that clearly said "I'm not paying you to sit around, get her out of here…NOW!!!" Gaara's really quiet and reserved, but with facial expressions that can write a book, who needs 'em?

"Excuse me ma'am I'm gonna have to ask you to leave." Shikamaru said in a tone of authority hoping that would be all it took. 'Apparently I have to think of a more effective method', he thought as he saw she had no intent to leave her "Gaara-kun" , and go far away. No, he would have to do something else.

"So, troublesome," he muttered crouching down in front of her throwing himself into her stomach tossing her over his left shoulder in one fluid motion.

Thinking to himself in his mind Gaara noted, 'I'll have to thank Kankuro later'

Walking over to the nearest high place with a long fall, Shikamaru stood ready to throw her off. 'I like this guy's style' Gaara's inner mind spoke again. Of course she should be kicking and screaming, but she was afraid. Seeing this side of Shikamaru was less than stellar.

Tossing her over the cliff, the world could hear "I STILL LOVE YOU GAARA-KUN!!!!!"

"pff," Gaara expressed at her outcry, then grunted approvingly at Shika's work. 'I could get used to this guy,' Gaara thought as he patted Shika on the back walking over to see his dirty work. Of course Gaara had thought of throwing her off something high and steep, but he didn't need to hear that lecture about killing from his brother anymore, he could all ready lipsync to his brother's nagging.

"One down, 5,374,384,721 more to go," Gaara stated, leading Shika the bodyguard into the sunset. And you could barely hear Shika mutter, 'so troublesome'

end of chapter one


	2. what a plant can't

Disclaimer: I dont own Naruto and I wish my dog would shut up.

**Gaara and Shika Adventures**

**--**what a plant can't--**  
**

By: batman20500

For: anyone who bothers to read it

"so..about my new uniform…" Shika cautiously teetered towards Gaara, tugging down his purple t-shirt, staring at his feet.

Gaara, (not even sparing him a glance), sat stiffly by his favorite tree. Replying to Shikamaru's sentence fragment in attempt to reassure him, he spoke as I imagine a gargoyle would… "I don't see what the problem is, I picked purple because I happen to like that color, and I have noticed that it can be very intimidating."

Did I mention the tree was purple?

"yeah, but why heliotrope(1) purple?" He looked at Gaara as though he were trying to look past his appearance and attitude..to the real Gaara..the Gaara that fancied purple.

Gaara made an expression, he felt exposed.

"Why are you looking at me like that? Maybe I just like heliotrope purple. Heliotrope is my favorite flower too." Gaara turned his head away, daring not to show Shika his tears…his tears of not being accepted. He planned it out in his head, he would move far away to the land of Heliotrope where no fan girls, family, people, or Shikamarus could find him. He would live amongst the native heliotropeians and wear heliotrope togas and make ceramic heliotrope mugs in the local heliotrope pottery club.

Tears not going unnoticed, Shika eased away. "You know what man? I'm going to come back when I understand you." He walked off.

Leaving Gaara all alone.

Alone.

Alone.

////HeliotropeHeliotropeHeliotropeHeliotropeHeliotropeHeliotrope////

"Woah so this is a library!" Shika raised his head to look at the battered building located right in front of him. "how troublesome"

Stepping up to the front doors he had a mission in mind. To stop all these people from laughing at his purple shirt. Oh!, and to find out more about heliotropes.

////HeliotropeHeliotropeHeliotropeHeliotropeHeliotropeHeliotrope////

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, on the other side of the rainbow, we meet our friend, back to Betty for the weather.

Gaara was to busy planning his perfect life to notice a purple girl coming a little too close to his bubble. Then she spoke.

"GAARA-KUN!! I LOVE HELIOTROPES TOO, THEY'RE LIKE MY FAV FLOWER!!!! WE WERE MEANT TO BE FOREVERRRRRRRRRRRRRR"

The said gargoyle suddenly lost interest in heliotropes completely.

The screeching girl was quite annoying from her appearance of platinum blond hair and the disgusting orchid purple get-up to the slight growth of hair between her eyes, the out of season sandals, and the need to talk in all caps.

Gaara did the only thing he could think of. "I'll kill you." Smooth Gaara.

"WITH YOU'RE STUNNING GOOD LOOKS? YOU ALREADY HAVE MY LITTLE GAARA-KUN"

aw heliotrope hell.

"What do you think you're doing?" His savior came out of the bushes with a book that read "All You Need to Know About Heliotropes and Whatever Else Your Employer Decides to Have an Obsession Over," and a potted plant of heliotropes.

"TALKING IN ALL CAPS AND WINING OVER MY GAARA-KUN'S HEART, AND –"

Before she could finish Shikamaru jumped on her, forcing the heliotropes down her throat.

She struggled for about however long it took until she died, then died.

"Heliotropes are poisonous. I went to the library"

"I didn't know that." Gaara said, still sitting in the same spot he was at the beginning of the chapter his arm draped over his knee…he was in no real danger.

"I still have some heliotropes left"

"I'm so over heliotropes" They stood up and walked into the sunset. (again) "5,374,384,720 more to go"

"aw heliotrope hell"

And you could barely hear Shika ask, "Can I get a new uniform?"

end of chapter two

* * *

(1) Heliotrope. wiki it. 

A/N: sorry, It's been awhile. but as long as it's summer...and I have nothing to do...there will be more. And I apologize for any misspelled words or grammatical errors


	3. books for every occasion

a/n: I hope you love it!!

Chapter 3: Books for every occasion

* * *

"Hey…do you have any idea what happened to me today?" Shika walked up to Gaara asking him in a tone that said 'I'm kinda mad right now'

"No clue, and I couldn't care less," he sat leisurely by his new favorite tree. They were always outside….

"I tried getting another book at the library….and the lady asks 'would you like to get a library card this time instead of walking out with a book?' and I was like, 'sure' so I pull out my I.D. …and there's a picture of me in the bath tub and 'my' name is 'Bubbles Gumbo.' How did this happen?" he flips out his wallet for visual effects for his rant.

"…"

"Yeah, I thought it was you."

"What's that suppose to mean?"

"Did you do it?"

"Well, yeah."

"…" Shikamaru just stands there and shakes his head.

"…" Gaara just sits there, doing nothing.

"And you want to know the best part?"

"…?"

"I was getting a book on bubble baths and Cajun cuisine"

(And the question of how Gaara got a picture of Shika in a bathtub goes unanswered for the better.)

"Well did you get your library card?"

"Yes…a very awkward embarrassing library card."

"Then my job here is done." Gaara stands up and walks away.

"What job?! You don't do anything!! I'm the one that's been sent here to protect you from fangirls because you're to much of a pansy to take care of it yourself." Shikamaru yelled after him.

Gaara stopped. "I thought we already had a chapter about flowers."

"You know what? I think I'm going to quit."

"NO! We haven't destroyed my sister yet!! I can't do that alone! I need your help, Bubbles Gumbo!" (I know there are exclamation points, but for Gaara, he was showing as much emotion as a bipolar snail, and that's a step up from normal for him.)

"There you go again. Come back when you want to act serious..and I mean mentally serious, but for now, have fun with your fangirls." Shikamaru walked away dramatically giving expression to his true name…"Super Diva Princess" which is the name that Gaara put on his credit card.

* * *

"Did you feel that?"

"Yeah..it felt like some heavy burden was lifted and all of our dreams are in reach."

"Like Gaara's body guard quit and we can attack him with affection and lame pick-up lines"

"OMG LET'S GO!!"

* * *

At that moment…a huge wave of fangirls rolled across the land all pointed in the same direction, and Gaara was fleeing. Well actually just running around in circles.

He made a quick decision to hide behind his favorite tree. Great job, Gaara…they'll never look there.

As the land quaked and rumbled it seemed that all hope disappeared just like everything that was in the fangirl's path. But just then, after Gaara was at his peak of despair…a hero arrived at his rescue, in the branch above him.

"If there's anything I've learned at the library that's useful besides learning how to make and excellent Gumbo from the convenience of your very own bathtub, it's that you should never leave a friend in the danger's way. So Gaara, assuming we're friends, I'm going to allow you to step up in danger's way to be the bait." Shika said holding books that said "Fangirl be-gone" and "How contradict your beliefs to make difficult situations run smoothly."

"We're friends?"

"GAARA-KUN WE LOVE YOOOUUUUU!!"

"We're friends!" Gaara screamed over the roar of the fangirls.

They all piled in the field unaware of the presence of another….

Shikamaru! A.K.A. Bubbles Gumbo! A.K.A. Super Diva Princess!!

Before the evil crowd of girls could smother Gaara, a savior flew down from the sky like an angel with weapons of mass destruction wiping out the fangirls before everyone's eyes.

"This is why I hired him" Kankuro stood at a safe distance; suavely leaning up against a tree with binoculars in his hands.

"AHHHHHHH!! GAARA-KUN, WHY?!" they all screeched together as they melted in their tracks.

Shikamaru floated down from the sky slowly wiping sweat and blood off his face. "That was intense."

"Tell me about it" Gaara sat in the same exact position with the same expression…

"What are you talking about? You didn't do anything?!"

"Well, who's getting paid?"

"No one! especially not me!!"

"Not my fault. Take it up with Kankuro."

Some distance on a far away branch…"oops, gotta get out of here." hop-hop

The sky darkens and Shika floats into the air with his weapons of mass destruction with his cape whipping around in the wind as grey clouds block out the sun, and while rain and thunder drown out the sounds of woodland nature.

"Good thing I brought this umbrella. Once he calms down I'll have to tell him…we knocked out 5,374,384,715 fan girls."

* * *

author's note:HORRAY!: the end is near


	4. 200 years

Disclaimer: I -blah blah blah blah- you know the drill. Sorry it took so long.

**Chapter 4: 200 years **

-dedicated to my critics..you guys sent me pleasant reviews-

* * *

"Why are we inside? This never happens…"

Gaara was slightly confused when he regained consciousness 200 years after the last fan girl incident. But what confused him even more than waking up 200 years after his last memory, was that he was inside. They were always outside…

"Why is no one answering me? Where is Shikamaru?! What if a fan girl tries to attack me when I'm lying in this bed! Why is it hard to talk?"

An unfamiliar medical ninja walked up with a chrome clipboard. Everything in the future is going to be chrome. Everyone knows that. "Ahem, I'm glad to see that you've made improvement Mr…" he flips a couple pages, then more. Then he throws the clipboard. Slightly embarrassed but determined not to show it, the man with an impulsive hatred towards clipboards says, "I'll be right back."

*clunk*

*clunk*

*clinkboom*

*clunk*

His shoes were made out of chrome too.

* * *

A few minutes later when Gaara was just starting to make friends with his numerous medical tubes, the doctor came back. "Ahem, I'm glad to see that you're not dead Mr. Of the Desert, but unfortunately you went into a coma for 200 years."

"Yeah, the sheets already told me."

"Right…Well we lost a lot of your medical records in the past 200 years, because I think the staff forgot you were here. Plus I'm still not quite sure how you could have lived this long. Or why they let you stay here that long."

He never introduced himself. Strange. Oh, there's a name-tag! But…it's just numbers and a barcode. Oops, what is he saying? Uhhhhhhhhh…

"..friend Shikamaru left a letter for you." He hands him a tattered envelope with his name written on it in big, lazy letters.

"Shikamaru! Where is he?" Gaara shot into an upright position, gripping his sheets that were probably crying 'ow' 'ow' 'ow' in his world.

"He's been dead for quite some time now. Personally I've never met him. How many times do I have to say 'two-hundred years'"

"Oh damn! 200 years!! Does that mean I'm old?!?!" It finally clicks.

"Heh.. strangely you've only aged 50 years." He gives half smile. "And you're not balding!"

Gaara clutches his face and peers at his reflection in the doctors shoes with shock. "I'M OLD!!!"

"Calm down, Mr. Of the Desert, at least you haven't aged 200 years." Gaara's breathing stabilized.

"I didn't even get a midlife crisis." *whine*

"Why don't you just read the letter he left you," he tapped it with is chrome pen and raised his chrome eyebrows. Gaara slowly looked down at those lazy letters with sadness in his heart. His own brother didn't leave him a letter. He opened it with care.

_Dear Gaara,_

_After you schooled all those fan-girls, you just passed out and didn't wake up. You managed to take out 5,374,384,715 of them. I don't know if you'll ever read this, but I want you to know that I was never paid so I took your valuables and married your sister. We had 4 children; all boys. None of them were named after you._

_Our adventures were fun, Gaara, and I hope when you wake up, there are no fangirls to bother you. The doctor said that there was a good chance that you would wake up sometime 200 years after the incident if you didn't die first. By that time, the last five fan girls should be gone! Isn't that great Gaara! I also took the liberty of throwing away the flowers you got from your fans, friends, and family._

_Gaara. Gaara. Gaara. Gaara… That book you checked out from the library about altering various forms of identification for grins and giggles has quite a hefty fine on it. You're a wanted man, Gaara. No more fan girls, but watch out for that librarian._

_Love,_

_Shika._

_***GROAN***_

(end)

_**

* * *

**_A/N: Thanks fans. I can't feel my fingers..it's so cold.


	5. Forgotten

**author's note:** Ok guys, this is weird..I'm going through my documents clearing out a few things and I find this. I have epilepsy and I don't remember anything that happened around the time I was diagnosed. I have no recollection of writing this, the first thing I thought when I read it today was "WTF? Did _I _write this?!" So I thought you guys might like to read it. Seriously freaked me out. Anyways..Don't remember. Gaara and Shikamaru. Kind of off. This is strange. I hope you like it. whatever it is. yeah. enjoy.

* * *

**Lost Gaara and Shika**

_We find our heroes on a heroic journey through the depths of adolescence. Will they survive? Will they conquer? How many questions will I have to ask before I introduce this scene?_

"Can I kill him too? We're not even paying him, he just kinda….Narrates."

"HEY BUDDY! WE HAVE AN AUTHOR FOR THAT!"

"So that's a yes?"

~onomatopoeia-palooza~

*Ka-Shing*

*thund*

~onomatopoeia~

"How am I ever going to audition for that play, with all these distractions? My career and future are at risk, you have to take it up a notch…" Gaara flipped a page in his script, nonchalant as usual. He was sitting on his bed, Shikamaru on the floor.

"What do you propose? I grow a third arm? You knew when you hired me that my character description revolves around the word 'lazy' and other synonyms." He rolled his eyes, not a complete roll…no not today.

"Well as I recall in _The Beginning…_

-flashback-

Shikamaru was lazy, but he knew how to fit the roll. He was dressed out like he was in the matrix, complete with the thin black shades. Nix the shirt.

-backflash-

"You're supposed to be fitting this roll. Now fit it. You know how…but what ever happened to that outfit?"

"I bleached it; I didn't feel like making another load just for blacks."

"You're hopeless"

"And you're auditioning for a play about a food pyramid. So what does that make you? A fruit." Shikamaru stands up and sits on the foot of Gaara's bed, rubbing his eyes. "But what part are you auditioning for."

"Apple." Gaara doesn't look up from his script.

"So…how is this play ninja like?"

"All the food groups come together in the end and kill the fats, oils & sweets." Gaara was still looking at his script. Reading it? No one knows. "By the way, you're auditioning with me."

* * *

**author's note:** I don't know where this was going. I believe it was suppose to be the second chapter. Maybe. hehehehehe it made me laugh. Jeeze, it's just so strange.


End file.
